The Smart War
“Operation Smarty Pants launching in 15.”
“Division Einstein, stand by.”
“Division Tesla, stand by.” …….
The soldiers are to be delivered to the battlefield, where tables and chairs are already set up. Aboard the personnel carriers, they have been reviewing all the possible equations. The first 100 digits of pi, the chemical formula of photosynthesis, the definition of a market economy — they need to know it all. It’s a war the United States can’t afford to lose. They need to outsmart their enemy.
On the other side of the world, it’s the same picture. Units of young recruits ranging from age 12 to 18 have been gorging on equations for weeks, right after the war was declared. Their military diet included calculated proportions of vitamin C, minerals, and omega-3 fatty acids — all three essentials to brain performance. The directing generals and colonels of the army are composed of tiger moms, a group of individuals with unrivaled authority. It’s a war China can’t afford to lose.
The morning of the battle is just a normal Tuesday. Soldiers from both countries file onto the battlefield in strict military formation. The silence is unique in the history of war. Administrators sent by the European Union distribute the only weapon the soldiers will wield: a 500-page book of questions, ranging from geography to anatomy (multiple forests disappeared in the making of these paperback tests). A sea of 100,000 young soldiers extends over Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, the longest bridge in the world, now a battlefield. A cannon is fired to signal the start of combat. The sound of pencils scribbling on paper is so deafening that the proctors have to wear earplugs. Military helicopters from both sides patrol the battleground, monitoring in mid-air. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. Calm down. Breathe. You have to concentrate. This is war. What does the problem say? Coefficient of friction? Oh no, you didn’t just make eye contact with that Chinese soldiers.
What were you thinking!
You might be taken as a spy!
Am I behind?
Don’t think, work! Finish that page!
The battle lasts three days. At the end of the battle, tests are collected by officers sent from neutral nations. The country with the highest average score will be declared the winner. As petitioned by the United States, the scoring machines have been examined to be not “Made In China” to avoid any violation of the wartime honor code. All countries await in apprehension for the outcome, upon which the fate of the whole planet’s trade network depends. The result is announced on September 1st, 2130. China’s score triumphs by 0.012%. Debates and discord arise as to whether the destiny of the world should really depend on such a minute difference. The whole Smart War suddenly doesn’t look so smart, anymore.
They are regarded as the “smart” generation: the soldiers who fought the Smart War. But in its aftermath, they seldom choose to talk about the horror. Almost half a century on from the conflict, a precious cache of unseen interviews emerges, in which veterans recount their experience. Multiple cases of post-traumatic-stress-disorder appeared after the battle (e.g. equaphobia, in which the sight of equations causes nausea). No one describes this distress as well as U.S veteran John Simpson, who fought the Smart War at the age of 11. “ Hearing the word pi brings those memories back. My family had to avoid saying ‘apple pie’ and say ‘apple cake’ instead.” The lengthy training was also a source of nightmares for returning soldiers. According to Xiao Hong, “The intensity [of the training] was beyond imagining. Practice war after practice war, reading section aftermath section after history section — it went on and on and on.” The Smart War, defined by Wikipedia as the war fought between China and the U.S in 2130 in the form of an intelligence contest, was originally proposed to peacefully settle the trade dispute while maintaining fair competition. Historians suspect it’s design was based on the notion of “standardized testing”, a dated practice abandoned in the mid-21st century due to its negative psychological effects. The Smart War, instead of imposing physical injuries, wounded the soul. The war remained a scar in the history of mankind, above all to the fighting men and women who sat on that bridge on that day. I, Napoleon of the SATs, was one of them.
