Today my brother was throwing a fit, saying how he feels 很烦 and he says he doesn’t know why and just feels very annoyed and angry and he doesn’t know what to do. He looks so troubled it breaks my heart. I was trying to talk to him while not having my mom worry too much. I want to make him happy, want to be a source of dependence for him. I’ve been to the dark side, if for anything, i want to think it’s for how I can guide my love ones out of that mental maze / monster that we all have deep (some scarier than the others).
All the time I was talking to him, I was so scared of my mom worrying. I already had my mom worry too much when I was suffering, lost, I definitely don’t want her to go through that same worry for her children again. I got this. I hope I can shoulder everything and not have the worry, the pain, the anxiety of it all go to her gain. And the fact that I didn’t tell my dad about how my background verification was declined for the 4th time is because I know he would worry and get even more anxious.
Then I remember I forgot to call my grandma this morning, she was sad that last time I called home I mainly talked to my dad about things I had to do, and didn’t have time to talk to her. So I said I would call her. Grandma sometimes easily lonely and talking to me helps a lot.
Sometimes I find it so hard juggling between the different responsibilities , as a daughter who wants to lift the weight off her parents’ shoulders, and a granddaughter who wants her grandma to feel happy an cared for and not lonely, as an older sibling who wants to be the steady sword and shield for her younger sibling, as the oldest child who wants to take care of the family, and then, as someone who’s a student, who needs to make decision of her life, as someone who is entering society needs have a career. All of these responsibilities make me feel chained down. A while ago, (maybe a year two years)?, i wrote the following paragraph titled 如果我是风 (if i were wind).
I used to imagine, how nice it would be to be a gust of wind, i could leave everything behind and just see the world, i could go to the volcanos, and maybe even inside the sea, i could fly like i always wanted to. yet, there’s gravity chaining me down. I can’t just jump in the air and go.
and I also used to think, the reason why Larry from razor’s edge could just leave everything behind, is that he didn’t love anyone. He didn’t have parents, no siblings, he was raised by a family friend to whom he’s not close to, even if he had been engaged to Isabel, it wasn’t any profund, inseparable love, it’s just any other teenage couple’s love, maybe even a bit selfish. As such, loveless, he’s free to put truth above love, he’s free to roam the world in search for his own truth, happiness and fulfillment, since he only has himself to take care of, and he’s the only one who can make himself happy.
But can I?
I put love above truth, I put love ones’ happiness above my own, love ones’ truths above my own. Before I can be happy in my rogue ways, I have to ensure my loved ones are cared for provided for, that they see me in a good place. Only then I can be happy. Somehow I’m tied down to the Earth by my responsibilities in ways that wind and Larry had not been.
I guess love is gravity.
